So, I'm pretty sure about 99% of the people that used to use this are gone. Which is good. I need somewhere to write this that people won't see. And if someone does happen to come across it, I'm sure it will be someone on the outside. That's fine.

My heart is feels like it's swollen. It feels like it's coming across the middle of my chest.
So, I've ALWAYS been a fan of the Twilight series. I've had the originial book for about 2 years now. I finally broke down and watched the movie this afternoon. I told myself I never would because it looked so horribly low-budget and I figured it would just be complete crap next to the book. Of course, the book is way better, but I was pleasantly surprised at how decent it was, and how it chokes me up almost as bad as the books do.

I'm so partial to the books because I feel like I know exactly how Bella feels. Louis was my first deep, true love...and I never got to truely be with him. Just like in the second book when Edward left, Louis leaving me for that period of time felt like the world was just crashing around me, and my chest felt like a black hole of nothing. Then, when we started to hang out again and such, everything felt perfectly perfect.  The way he would be genuinely concerned when I was stressed, the way he could make me laugh, perfect.

It hurts beyond explainable measures that I'll never be with him. It sounds silly and childish, but if I could move to where ever he goes and be with him, I would in a heartbeat, without even thinking. There is crying and pain with some of the memories, but all that happened when he was gone. I still think about him nearly every single day. I love him so much that I'm happy he has a girlfriend, I'm happy he's happy. I just wish I could've had my shot.

Every time I think of him, my heart swells. I'm not sure whether it's swelling with love, remorse, or wishful thinking.  Maybe all three. I miss him, and he'll never know how much.

Wow....

haha holy shit, it's been almost a year since I've written in this! I wonder if anyone even still uses theirs.

I write alot in a livejournal account that no one but me has access to. I use names freely, and I cuss alot. ha. I mostly only write it in when i'm really cheesed off or depressed. I mostly just write notes on facebook.....

So for anyone that actually looks at this, here's an update on life. It's mediocre at best right now. But I think Im tricking myself into thinking it's ok. No more Brian. I'm back in the single life. Which is different. I've had a boyfriend (not the same one) for almost 2 years straight now. So I'm kind of peeking around the corner looking at the "single" world. I'm sure I'll get used to it.

My dear Xanga. I haven't written to you since about Feburary. How do I get myself into these situations?
When did I become the jealous girlfriend? I wondered in the past "what if something better comes along?"

I asked Laura that question and she just said "Just because it's there, doesn't mean he'll take it." And I realized, hey, she's probably right, everything will be fine.  Everything did not turn out to be fine. So now, I worry the same thing. "What if something better comes along. What are the chances he'll take it?"
I'm becomming extremely jealous, and I hate it. I was never jealous in the past, and still got hurt.

I never act on my jealousy. I try to just keep my mouth shut, and then I get a shitload of anxiety and I make myself sick. Ugh. Xanga was the only place I could really vent this. It was always there for me in the past.

So, I am having  fantastic night!

I went to the HPER and ran a mile, cleaned the apt. and my car today, bought some slimfast stuff to help me with not eating so much, because my stomach is getting a little more.....expanded? I am not saying I'm fat or anything like that, but...I would just like to get toned/back to normal. So....I'm doing something about it instead of complaining about it.

I saw my buddies Cory and Zack!! Cory and I have been text messaging lately. It's nice to reconnect with friends.

I completed my homework in about 20 minutes, and I still have most of my night to do whatever I want.

I also got a 71 on my biology test. Hell yes!! lol That's way better than the 50 I got last time. So overall, I'm satisfied with how my night is going.

You know what, Valentine's Day can KISS MY ASS. All of it's just a bunch of bullshit.
I'm in my first actual fight with Brian now. He pissed me off so much I screamed "Fuck you" on the phone to him. Probably not the best thing to yell, but let's face it: I am PISSED.

Things get overanalyzed and taken out of context and words get added in mysteriously......It's all just bullshit. And for once, I have every damn right to be angry. I didn't start ANY of it. Of course, I'm sure it'll get turned out to look like I did. That's what guys do. And excuse me for being general....all guys, when you get to the core of them, are the same. Girls are, too.

I'm just extremely hurt right now. He doesn't have time for me, I'm lonely on Valentine's Day, I'm getting accused of things that did not happen, he won't believe me.  I've never, ever dealt with anyone with that bad of a jealousy problem. I just don't know what to do.
I'm just gonna lock myself up in my room all day and lay in bed. Fuck being happy.  Happiness is overrated.